An Easter egg is an oval made from chocolate. Occasionally, treats might deviate into the shape of a bunny.
Or, that’s how things used to be, back in normal days. We’ve gone through the looking glass now.
While Scotland’s own chocolatiers, like Sebastian Kobelt, Chocolatia, Sugarsnap or Iain Burnett, have created their usual beautiful designs, 2023 is the year that supermarkets lost their marbles.
They seem to be competing over who can create the most random novelty. We have no idea when this (hot cross) bun fight will end.
Nobody has made a chocolate teapot yet, but, mark our words, they will.
They’re one step away from going to the full Dali, with a choccy lobster on a telephone.
The main culprit this year is probably Waitrose. They called upon chef Heston Blumenthal, the creator of snail porridge.
As well as The Golden Apple (£12), inspired by Isaac Newton’s theory of gravity and, thus, presumably quite heavy on the stomach, Heston from Waitrose has produced the chocolate Dabbit (£4.80, www.waitrose.com). It’s based on optical illusions, so it resembles a rabbit, but also a duck. They might also have called it a ruck.
Once you’ve finished boggling at the visual trick, you might even want to eat this dark chocolate ‘egg’ filled with white chocolate, caramelised sugar and sea salt truffle filling. Blot your mouth with a napkin and you have your own Rorschach test. What do you see? Yes, more Easter eggs!
The Dabbit is one of the strangest creations, but we suspect that Marks & Spencer might have initiated this whole competition. The poshest supermarkets are the most bizarre. In contrast, Lidl and ASDA have kept their heids, though Aldi is responsible for Spiky the Shark (£2.99, www.groceries.aldi.co.uk).
M&S offers chickens and eggs, but also the full range of weird stuff. There’s the Chocosaurus Rex (£6), which is an Easter poke in the eye to Creationists. And, if a dinosaur doesn’t satisfy your random cravings, eating your pet might.
Back in 2021, this supermarket’s edible Easter sausage dog, Walter the Puppy, sold out and started selling on eBay for extortionate amounts. He’s back this year and they’re also selling Curly the Cockapoo (£6, www.marksandspencer.com) who is a weirdly realistic canine vision in milk and white chocolate. He has pleading eyes and a little pink nose.
“Please don’t eat me,” he says, but you do. The irony is that chocolate is poisonous to dogs.
We’ve always had a secret fantasy about Easter eggs made of crisps, and Morrisons has made that seem possible with this year’s Cheese Egg (£5, www.groceries.morrisons.com), available in Lancashire & Cheddar and Stratford Blue.
There is no serving suggestion available, so we suggest balancing one on a cracker.
Our only question is philosophical. What came first, the chicken or the cheese egg?
We’re not going to go on a rant about hot cross buns, and the weird and repulsive varieties.
However, we’ll make an exception for Heinz Hot Cross Bun Mayonnaise. They really did go there, though there were only 100 bottles available.
Now that they’ve sold, we can relax, and pray that normal service will be resumed in 2024.
